Truth or Happiness, Never Both
by UponMidnight
Summary: Lightman has been under stress and while on a business trip with Loker, some of the underlying issue start to leak out. And Loker just can't seem to keep his mouth shut...
1. Chapter 1

It was Zoe who started it all (or at least that's what he tried to tell himself later).

The last few months of their marriage were filled with harsh words which lead to cutting remarks. It was funny that it was really only one that stuck into him, stuck with him. "And you think you're human?" She had stood before him, hands on her hips. She shook her head, curls bouncing angrily. "You're all puffed up with the power you think you have." Puffed up. Brought him right back to his school days, that did.

But, as much as a comment can stick with a person, stuck with him, without another catalyst those comments can be almost ignored.

It was Loker who brought the matter to a head.

It was in the aftermath of a large case for the FBI, investigating the serial disappearance of similar sixteen year old boys. The culprit had been right under his nose the entire time, but it hadn't been anyone he had thought to question. A school lunch delivery man had befriended the boys at different schools and had then abducted them to star in his sick homemade pornos.

Cal had found himself, at the close of it, sitting in his office, nursing a cup of black coffee, berating himself for not figuring it out sooner, for not asking the right questions. Exhaustion was seeping into the corners of his vision and the back of his mind and, sick of his office though he was, he was simply too tired to leave. All the work of the past two days had been done in-house and twice Cal had crashed on his sofa, snatching a few hours of uneasy sleep.

Sleep. The thought was like salve for his tired brain and he gulped some of his coffee down and passed a hand across his face, willing himself not to fall asleep before he could make it home.

Loker, hands in his pockets, ambled in to see the spectacle of the tired boss.

"I thought about asking your permission to go home," he began, apropos of nothing, "but I changed my mind."

Cal tipped his head to the side. "And to what do I owe this irrelevant flaunting of my authority?" he asked, accent thick with fatigue.

Loker smiled crookedly and glanced around the darkened office before starting up again.

"Well, number one, I'm going home regardless of what you say, so it's silly to ask your permission. And two, considering the way you've been treating yourself, you might think we can all operate that way and say no."

Cal touched a finger to his temple. "And how exactly is it that I operate? I'm assuming that's what you came in here to tell me in the first place."

Loker changed his stance and rested a hand on his hip, leaving the other free to gesture with. Lovely, he was going into lecture mode, Cal thought, not bothering to repress the grimace Loker would expect and see anyway.

"For the two plus days we've had this case, you've run yourself ragged. You look terrible."

"Well, thanks. Platitudes get you quite far with your boss," Cal drawled.

Loker continued, ignoring Lightman's comment. "Disregarding all the emotional strings you've pulled with all the acting displays you put on, you've been running around here without stop, staring at monitors, pacing, and probably getting a total of five hours of sleep throughout the whole thing. It's crazy!"

Lightman raised an eyebrow at the spiel. "Anything else I should be aware of?" he drawled.

The young man fixed him with a stare. "Yeah. There is."

Loker shifted his stance again and cocked his head as if to examine Lightman.

"You haven't eaten a bite of food in the past fifty hours."

Something lurched in Cal's stomach, but he kept his face neutral. He had been aware of the fact, abstractly, but for Loker to state it like it was a severe abnormality was arresting. He had known, but he hadn't quite realized it was an unusual feat.

"Go home, Loker." Lightman stood and pulled his jacket on. Loker raised his hands in resigned protest and left the room.

Zoe may have started it, but Loker set the wheels in motion. Loker showed him he could be good at it.


	2. Chapter 2

Over the next two years, it crept up on him. Usually during a particularly difficult case – he could forget for a day or so and when he did remember, he simply decided not to eat. Stress, Lightman decided, when he rarely thought about it, was obviously the cause. It didn't happen all the time and he certainly could afford to forget to eat. Other times though, an offhand comment would set him off. Like now.

Gillian settled herself down into the chair across his desk and opened up a carton of steaming Chinese food. If her facial expressions didn't tell him differently, he'd say she was doing it to torture him. His stomach growled quietly and he spoke to keep her from hearing it. "Luv, now what did I tell you about eating meat you can't see?"

She smirked at him and popped a wonton into her mouth. She closed her eyes and chewed, tipping her head back in ecstasy, showing the creamy line of her throat.

Lightman knew that if he hadn't been fixated on her food, his pupils would have been blown with desire. So there as a plus side to it. Even though they had the "line they didn't cross," things were always simpler when he could keep his secrets from her. Whatever she saw when she looked at him, she kept it to herself.

"Hmm," Gillian replied belatedly looking into her carton of food. "I think you said something like: 'It's great, I do it all the time?'"

"Right, luv," Cal replied dryly. "You do know what kinds of things could be in there, don't you?"

She ignored his question. "So, how does it feel to be a big boy, Cal?" she asked.

What the bloody hell does that mean? he thought and tried not to break eye contact in embarrassment. He merely raised an eyebrow.

"You know... being back from the preschool? Into the grownup world?" Gillian prompted. "You only spent the better part of the week there."

Cal relaxed and nodded his head back as he reclined. The preschool. Not a reference to his body in any way. That hadn't been a fun case - There had been allegations of abuse. It took talking, not only to the parents, but to the kids and some assorted others to tease the story out.

Gillian smiled and shook her head. "I see your bags are packed." She pointed with her chopsticks at a briefcase and a carry-on bag piled in the corner by the door.

Cal groaned and tipped his chair back. "But Mum, I don' want to go to camp," he mock whined.

"Oh come on. You'll learn to love conferences once of these days. And besides – Chicago in the winter?" Gillian sighed and a far away look came into her eyes. "Hot chocolate – with those little marshmallows – ; hot fried dough, powdered sugar melting over it; candy canes -"

"Loker," Cal added.

Gillian's eyes lowered to meet Cal's. "I was talking about food."

"No, I mean, Loker." Cal pointed over Gillian's shoulder at the man who had just walked in.

Loker shot Gillian a wounded look. "And you don't think I'm scrumdiddilyumptuous, Dr. Foster?" Turning to face Lightman he asked, "Ready to go?"

"As ready as I'll ever be," Lightman replied getting to his feet."

"Good, because I've got a taxi waiting and the guy didn't look like he was going to wait around. Didn't look like he had anywhere better to be though," Loker added considering, "so it might be even odds." He saluted Gillian. "Goodbye, Foster. If I can't manage to bed any sufficiently attractive women while I'm there, I promise to think of you at least once."

Gillian rolled her eyes. "I don't know which of you to tell to look after the other." She gave Cal a quick hug.

Loker turned wide eyes on her. "Oh, please tell me to look after him. I love inverted power dynamics."

"Two weeks, Foster," Cal said, throwing his free hand into the air. "I was mad to agree to this," he called back walking out the door.

Loker nodded and glanced at the pictures of Lightman on his wall as he followed him out. "Well, I always did think you were a bit off."


End file.
